Told you I'll be here forever
by xredSunburstx
Summary: Jane finds herself confronted with the past and she hides herself from the world and runs back to the place where it all started. Will Maura be able to help her? Rizzles fanfic.
1. Prologue

**Title**: Told you I'll be here forever

**Author**: xredSunburstx

**Pairing**: Jane Rizzoli/ Maura Isles

**Rating:** NC-17/M (maybe for later chapters)

**Disclaimer**: The characters are not mine. No infringement intended. Also, I don't use a beta, so all mistakes are mine.

**Summary**: Jane finds herself confronted with the past and she hides herself from the world and runs back to the place where it all started. Will Maura be able to help her? Rizzles fanfic.

**Author's Note:** Well… this is my first Rizzoli & Isles Fanfiction and my first fanfiction after a long time. English is not my mother language, but I hope there won't be many mistakes.

Before I start this story I want to **warn** you, because it'll contain topics as **depression** and what depression sometimes leads to. If you feel like you are not able to read it, please don't. I just feel, out of my own experiences, that it is important to talk about it, share things like that and… realize… it is hard and such a bad illness, I know what I'm talkin' about. But you can work through it and it gets better… with some help and your own strength.

This is what the story is truly about.

**Prologue**

_(Jane's pov)_

„ The major depressive disorder, called MDD, which is also known as recurrent depressive disorder, clinical depression, major depression, unipolar depression, or unipolar disorder is a mental disorder characterized by an all-encompassing low mood accompanied by low self-esteem, and by loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities. This cluster of symptoms was named, described and classified as one of the mood disorders in the 1980 edition of the American Psychiatric Association's diagnostic manual. Nowadays there are a lot of different biological explanations why things like that happen. Well… suicide often happens out of despair and this kind of illness. Over one million people die by suicide every year. The World Health Organization estimates that it is the thirteenth leading cause of death worldwide and the National Safety Council rates it sixth in the United States. It is a leading cause of death among teenagers and adults under 35. I guess she is in her mid twenty… The rate of suicide is far higher in men than in women, with males worldwide three to four times more likely to kill themselves than females. There are an estimated 10 to 20 million non-fatal attempted suicides every year worldwide."

She said calmly and straight out, rambling, as if she were talking about the ingredients of a packet soup.

Usually I'd have smiled at her, maybe even laughed right before I'd have called her Google mouth to which she would have looked up at me like she wanted to shoot something back, but though smiling.

But now there was nothing to laugh about.

As a detective and a medical examiner you had to keep your heart under a protective shell, always keep on your armour on to survive on the streets, seeing the things you do and get confronted with the ugly and rude every single day. But this protective shell does not work every day and most of all it takes a day off when you are really in need of it.

"I know what all of that means." I hissed through my teethes and I sounded more angry and pissed than I wanted to. I wasn't angry with her or anyone else. I was angry with life and how unfair it seemed to be sometimes.

Maura looked up from the lifeless body of the young woman in front of her.

Her face looked worried and full of concern and I avoided her gaze, avoided her eyes, scared she might find the truth in mine. Scared she would find out something I tried to not think about for a long time now. Something I, though, never been able to forget and a slight part of me didn't even want to…

The first time my eyes caught the brown haired girl in front of us I regretted it immediately. I regretted that I've come though I had the feeling it'd be a bad idea standing up in the middle of the night, because they needed someone.

This unknown girl I've never seen before this night looked so familiar it hurt. She looked so familiar to me… Just like…

I turned around, hiding my face from everyone in this room. I tried to contain myself and I tried so damn hard to not cry and get affected by a strangers… death. But it was almost impossible for me to not get attached by what I saw.

"Jane?"

Her worried voice reached my ears, but I felt like I could not hear a word through the haze that covered both my eyes and ears.

"What are we doing here?" I spitted out, even though I exactly knew why we had to be here. This was a crime scene, until we confirmed it was not. But- I wanted to get away as soon as possible, no matter how stupid I sounded.

"You know why we were called in, Jane. This might be a crime scene. The neighbours found her so we have to check. We can't be sure that she did this by herself without observing everything and well examining her. That's what we have to do… Why do you mind this time?"

I ignored her question and spitted out a harsh and desperate "It's not."

She looked up, her eyes wide with confusion, but I neither could hold it in nor tell her what was bothering me for a long time now, now reaching the surface.

I turned around, once again, covering my face in my hands, rubbing my temples with my fingertips.

It was in the middle of the night and all I wanted was lying down in my bed and forget what I've seen.

"It's not my job to be here!" _Well, yes… it is_… said my consciousness, but I really couldn't care less, though a small part of me felt guilty. Guilty for threatening Maura like that and guilty for not having the control over myself. But the other, the much bigger part of me, was so desperate to get out it ignored anything else.

"You are the examiner. You are the one to say what happened to her and I… I'll leave now. We shouldn't be here after a tragic like that happened. I shouldn't be here once again!"

I didn't even know what and why I said that for and I didn't care and turned around when Maura called out for me, calling my name, trying to make me stop.

I left right away without looking back.

The cold wind hit me when I left the building, but I couldn't really drive, because of my hands trembling, so I walked home in a cold November night. And while I walked home, taking each step after the other, hoping I'd find the strength to make it to my place, I thought about what Maura has said about depression.

It is so easy to put this illness into a definition, if it comes to science.

But it is incredible hard and almost impossible to know what it really means.

Everyone can be the one, suffering from depression… No matter if you are rich or poor, a loving mother or a family father, a business man or a… or a police officer. No matter if you are young or old, black or white… It does not matter.

And even the strongest person can fall.

And even the strongest person on earth can be bent by this damn invisible enemy.

Even the strongest who puts up a brave face and who you never actually see cry.

Even the strongest and braves might know what it means to suffer….

And I know one single thing… even persons like them should open up and reveal a part of them in order to get helped and in order to not be alone.

They need to open up and reveal the truth: that they are not always that strong…

They should open up… before it is too late.

Even someone like Jane Rizzoli.

**Author's Note 2:** So… this is the first Chapter… so please tell me… what do you think about it. You wanna keep it goin'?

Take care & All the best

- Sun


	2. Chapter 1 Haunted by the past

**Authors Note: **Thanks to you for your comments and of course… for reading! This story isn't only about Jane suffering from depression, because of her job, but what happened in her past. Maybe it's not the Jane we all know… strong, badass and cool... but I'm trying to show you that even strong persons like a Jane Rizzoli have their weak sides and of course how they can be healed by opening up, comfort and love.

I hope you will like the next Chapters, too.

Just to let you know… I might switch between third and first person narrator, just because like to describe different situations differently. ;-)

If you have requests or questions – just write me.

Take care & All the best

- Sun

**Chapter 1 – haunted by the past**

She has always been the same, as long as she could think back.

She has grown up, dong things other kids wouldn't do; learning, studying, all the time, and on top of that she was raised to be able to communicate and live in the exclusive and elegant society. She had a good live, compared to what her parents thought were good and necessarily for her.

The only thing she had to pay was a high price.

She's been raised up without having real friends and as soon as she graduated from school she was used to being called cold hearted. She really wasn't, indeed she was interested in other human beings. She was compassionated and able to feel and fall for someone. But it was never enough. She got used to this lifestyle and she believed there wasn't another way.

Until she met Jane… When she met her everything in her life suddenly started to change and though she might have complained about the changes first, she liked where it was leading to.

She liked Jane, more than she even knew. She liked her job and her colleagues. She liked Jane's family and she even started to like beer. At least a little bit.

But there was another change happening within her and she didn't know if it was positive or not. She has always felt compassion towards other people, but what was new to her… how intense it could get if it came to her best friend. Whenever she saw her crying, she felt tears welling up in her own hazel eyes as well. Whenever she realized there was something wrong with Jane, she felt her stomach grumbling.

At first she wondered and she didn't know if she liked what was happening to her, but then… it didn't matter anymore, because Jane was worth it. She was worth everything.

Leaving her car on a cold November night she had a strange feeling that everything would change. She usually didn't listen to her feelings, because they were not scientifically traceable. Just because of having a bad feeling about something didn't mean something bad would really happen.

So when she saw Jane waiting for her In front of the building she immediately started to smile, walking a little bit faster to get to her and when they stood there face to face, she pulled her friend into a long embrace, like always, and yet a little bit longer, not wanting to loose the feeling and the warmth that erupted in her body whenever she was touching her.

Everything seemed to be alright as they walked the stairs to the apartment they got called to, but as soon as they entered the small living room and Frost came up to them telling them what had happened she saw Jane flinching and looking away.

Maura slightly wondered, because it wasn't the first crime scene Jane has been and compared to other cases this wasn't the worst.

"Are you okay?" She asked, touching Jane's arm comforting. Jane hesitated, avoiding her gaze as if she was scared Maura might find something in them she didn't want anyone to find.

"Yeah…" She answered with her voice deeper as usual. Maura nodded, believing her best friend.

She kneeled down beside the girl observing the scene when she started to ramble like she always did. She just couldn't avoid it. She didn't do it to give the impression that she was, well more intelligent than others, even though she had the IQ summarized of nearly all of them in the room, but still she only liked to share the things she knew.

„ The major depressive disorder, called MDD, which is also known as recurrent depressive disorder, clinical depression, major depression, unipolar depression, or unipolar disorder is a mental disorder characterized by an all-encompassing low mood accompanied by low self-esteem, and by loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities. This cluster of symptoms was named, described and classified as one of the mood disorders in the 1980 edition of the American Psychiatric Association's diagnostic manual. Nowadays there are a lot of different biological explanations why things like that happen. Well… suicide often happens out of despair and this kind of illness. Over one million people die by suicide every year. The World Health Organization estimates that it is the thirteenth leading cause of death worldwide and the National Safety Council rates it sixth in the United States. It is a leading cause of death among teenagers and adults under 35. I guess she is in her mid twenty… The rate of suicide is far higher in men than in women, with males worldwide three to four times more likely to kill themselves than females. There are an estimated 10 to 20 million non-fatal attempted suicides every year worldwide."

"I know what all of that means." She heard her friend say… well, to be exactly… hissing through her closed teethes.

She looked up in the beautiful face of Jane Rizzoli, slightly worried, because she wasn't used to her being like that.

But Maura really started to get deeply concerned when Jane bursted and left the scene without saying goodbye, without saying anything at all… without looking back.

Maura called after her, trying to make her stop, but she didn't and she knew she couldn't leave too. She needed to finish what she started.

One hour later she stopped in front of her partner's and best friends flat, but she didn't dare to walk up to the building in which she lived and to ring. She was too afraid to wake her up, knowing how hard she had to try to fall asleep. If she needed someone to be there for her, she would call and if not Maura would see her the other day at work, asking her what's wrong, Maura thought, before she was driving to her own home, not knowing that Jane was too stubborn to call her, desperate and wide awake.

….

_(Jane's pov)_

We reside in the present.

We think of our future.

And we live in the past,

Because we never forget what has been once.

And even if we live a happy life, a life we have always dreamed of, never really believing it could actually happen… the past stays an undeniable part of ourselves.

There were a few things missing, things I always dreamed of in my life… and though I felt happy about it anyway. I've always thought of finding someone to love, someone I trusted and someone I felt safe with. I didn't find it in a relationship, yet, but I found it in my friendship with Maura. I never thought I could feel so strongly about her when I met her for the first time… but pretty soon she got one of the most important people in my life and I would give anything for her. Sometimes I even thought there was no one else I could feel the same way for as I feel for Maura.

With Maura by my side, and even years before, I've learned to live with this undeniable part of myself, because the past and everything that has been, leads to the person we are in the present. And present, _today_, decides about who we are going to be in future, starting the next day.

But that's not all of it…

Past means… working through what happened there.

But what happens if we never got the chance to process what has been? What if this shadow is pasted to our sole of foot, never able to remove, and it only waits, like an odd monster, to invade us?

Well… then… a simple point of time, a word, a memory, a picture, is enough, to get the ball rolling, throwing us back in time.

And then it's there again and it feels like it will never leave again…

The sorrow…

And it's like we are back there and we go through it as if it happened to us the first time.

We are a part of our past… again.

….

She could hardly sleep that night, not being able to forget the look on Jane's face. At two o'clock in the middle of the night looking around in the dark room, putting on the light on her night stand she grabbed out for the telephone. She dialled Jane's number; almost sure she'd be still awake, concerning her sleeping circle. But as soon as she has dialled the number she hang up again, before it could ring. She did that twice before she closed her eyes, drifting up into an uneasy sleep, feeling that something was wrong with her best friend and she couldn't do anything about it or at least comfort her. And this thought almost kept her awake… like never before she hated that she couldn't be there for someone.

The first thing she did the next day when she entered the Boston Police Office, after she checked on the most important things in her own office, she rushed to the elevators and to Jane's table which was unoccupied.

She turned around, looking out for Korsak or Frost, and when she finally saw Korsak she called out his name and hurried up to catch him.

"You know where Jane is? She's on the run?" Maura asked

Korsak frowned and hesitated for a moment, slightly confused by her question.

"You don't know?"

The concern of last night crept up and kept her tightly in its hands.

"I don't know what?"

"Well… she called in this morning and told that she won't be back to work for a few days or so. Said she's going out of town, but didn't tell us more… we already wondered, because she was never taking a day off in the last months, but she deserved a few days off more than any one of us."

"Korsak… what do you mean she left town? Do you know where she went?"

Her heart started to pound furiously in her chest and she felt like she couldn't see and hear clearly, like she would faint soon. She should have turned up and knocked on her door to talk to her after she acted so strangely… or at least she should have called her.

"I don't know… She just called in and informed us that…"

Before he could answer her, she cut him of and muttered a "thank you" right before she left the office.

There was only one place for her to go now.

….

_(Jane's pov)_

What Maura said to me about depression is spinning in my head, endlessly… and it repeats itself over and over again, combined with the things I've learned about it.

Depression is an illness, horrible and perfidious, and too often it gets silenced to death, because it is not something you want to admit, something you don't want to talk about and even thinking about it seems like a no go.

But let me tell you, Depression is not a modern thing. The disease pattern has been revealed around the 5th century before Christ, called "melancholy". Melancholy had similar symptoms as what we call Depression today…

The characteristic about depression is, in addition to a lot of things, fear… the unbelievable fear to fail, to have always failed and to fail in future, too. The emotional knowing of skills and achievements are gone. It's banished just as the ability to be happy about something, and to feel positive about certain things, in contrast to pain and inner suffocation. You are fearful… a diffuse, often inexplicable fear of loosing and be left and a natural fear of the future. But that's just the beginning of it… it's too much to be put down in words…

And there's something a lot of people don't know about: Depression is an illness with different faces, developments, characteristics and processes. The technical term "major depressive disorder" enfolds everything from a down mod, having a blues to the fantasy of… dying… and to the point of… suicide…

All of that is printed down in my head and I could pray it down like the "our father" running down with a bitter aftertaste.

I do wish I could forget all of that and act like I didn't know what that means, not knowing it, , never seeing it and most of all… never going through it, never learning it the hard way.

Pushing something aside is an approved and successful strategy, but the consequence, that often begins to develop, slowly but surely, is not to be ignored. I ignored what made me weak and weep like a baby, because I wanted to be strong… strong for myself and the people in my life. Strong to be respected in my job as a detective. Strong in every possible way.

Well, all of our experiences affect us in some way. But the older we get, the harder it becomes, if we don't get the chance to process it… Maybe I should have talked earlier about this with the people that I love and trust, instead of waiting, until it's almost too late…

Maybe I should have talked to Maura about it, about how I felt and what has happened, instead of keep ignoring it…

But now it's too late to start with it… and the only thing I can to by now is… leaving… and… going back.


End file.
